Jokes for 3.29.2006
Hooters Airlines is going out of business. Apparently passengers did
not feel safe knowing that in case of an emergency, a floatation
device could be found under their flight attendant’s shirt. Plus
it’s never a good sign when you’re on a plane and a happy ending
isn’t a safe landing. Passengers weren’t too happy with the
flights. They complained that there was always too much turbulence.
It wasn’t because of rough air pockets it was every time a passenger
and flight attendant went to the bathroom. But the reason they are
going out of business is because it was too expensive to run. Those
oxygen masks kept dropping and not because there was ever a change in
air pressure but because there was a change in blood pressure. Plus
it’s just wrong to delay a flight due to leaky implants. Michael
Eisner’s new talk show scored a 0 rating. The sad news is on NBC
that’s a hit. A democratic congresswoman punch a Capitol police
officer. As democrats continue to find new ways to lose voters.
Iran has defiantly rejected the U.N.’s demands to stop its nuclear
program. This is good news because the world would have no idea what
to do next if a country actually listened to the U.N. President Bush
is on his way to Cancun Mexico as he begins a two week tour of places
his daughters got drunk in. His next stop will be every bar in
Texas. The U.S. military plans to detonate a 700 ton explosive in
the Las Vegas area. The last time Vegas saw 700 tons detonate was
the night Elvis died. The explosive will put a huge mushroom cloud
over the city. Vegas doesn’t want people confused so they’ve already
issued a statement saying that Snoop Dogg is not in town.
James Harris
3.28.2006
Republicans want the government to get tough on immigration and put
armed troops on the border, conservatives want the government to get
even tougher and put a drunk Dick Cheney on the border. The best way
to stop illegals from entering the country would to be putting armed
troops at the entrances of Wal-Marts. 60 percent of Americans oppose
a guest worker program that would offer illegal immigrants lawful
work status. The other 40 percent need landscaping. Did you know
our border security is such a big disaster the most Americans think
it’s runned by FEMA. Just kidding, it’s not that bad. President
Bush’s approval rating continues to drop to record lows. Just to
give you an idea, his rating is now lower than Satan’s. The good
news is that’s still higher than the democrats. Bill Clinton called
the British government the envy of the United States so you know what
that means, Britain must have the hottest government interns.
President Clinton said if you live where he lives and you look across
the Atlantic you see a great looking country. And if you live where
he lives and you look under his desk you see a great looking blond.
Clinton also said that if Iraq wasn’t handled properly it could
become a launching pad for terrorists in the Middle East. But if it
is handled properly we’ll get all their oil. Violent riots broke out
in France over a new job law. The French government wants to assure
their citizens they are doing everything they can to blame this on
America. Tomorrow will be a total eclipse of the sun and there will
be darkness during the day throughout many parts of the world. This
happens every couple of years when Star Jones stands in front of the
sun. Star Jones has lashed out at the media for reporting that she
almost died during a recent cosmetic surgery procedure. And of
course those reports had to be false, look at her, there’s no way she
had cosmetic surgery.
James Harris
Dozens of police officers...
There was a third fatal shooting this week at a California Denny’s.
Who would have thought in a Denny’s there would be something more
deadly than the food. Dozens of police officers in Florida were
busted for buying anabolic steroids. Not sure who they were buying
them for but Barry Bonds just posted a Help Wanted sign. The cops
claim they were getting prescriptions from a real doctor. Yes, and
that would be doctor Jose Canseco. A woman on the Atkins diet fell
into a coma. It could have been worse for her, she could have fallen
into a bowl of pasta. A city in California is now the first to have
a complete public ban on smoking. All the people who oppose the ban
issued an angry statement through an artificial voice aide. Some bad
news, two more women have died after taking a new abortion pill. The
good news, the pill works. A new report says that IRS audits are up
21 percent. The good news is people who hate the IRS remains the
same at 100 percent. Simon Cowell has predicted which three American
Idol contestants will finish the show on top. It’s not clear if he
meant on top of the voting results or on top of Paula Abdul.
President Bush said that his Iraq strategy is working. In case
you’re wondering, his strategy is to say it’s working. The President
said Iraqis must form a government that can confront the terrorists,
reach out across religious differences and earn the trust and
confidence of its citizens. And if that works, President Bush says
he’ll try to do the same thing in America. Nicole Kidman has been
questioned by the FBI over private detective Anthony Pellicano’s
alleged wiretapping. The feds were actually tipped off by President
Bush. He said he had a funny feeling he wasn’t the only one
listening to Nicole’s phone calls. Colin Farrell is trying to stop
his ex-girlfriend from releasing a sex tape of them. Apparently the
tape is so bad that Colin is worried people will think he made a
sequel to Alexander.
A Russian communist leader says....
A Russian communist leader says there is a conspiracy and that the
U.S. is behind the bird flu outbreak. In case you’re wondering, the
Russian leader’s name is Oliver Stone. The democrats are confident
they will in this November’s election. Apparently they’ve studied
the republicans and they’ve learned how to cheat! Experts say that
America’s reaction to the port security deal has really hurt our
image in the Muslim world. Before we were infidels and now were
stupid infidels. Japan is looking for ways to help deal with it’s
rapidly aging population. America has offered to help by sending
them Anna Nicole Smith. The Catholic Church is pushing for a ban on
gay adoption. And that makes sense because priests aren’t supposed
to have children. Movie theatre owners want to jam cell phone
reception to stop cell phone calls during movies. Of course they
wouldn’t have to worry about that if they only sell tickets to people
who have Sprint! At his trial, Saddam Hussein said he was still the
President of Iraq. So you know what that means, the votes from
Florida must be in. Jessica Simpson is going to attend a Republican
dinner. Let’s hope they are not serving something Dick Cheney shot.
Jessica will be sitting next to the House leader. Of course knowing
Jessica, she probably thinks that’s the butler. Mexico has found a
new deep water oil discovery. Actually it must be a tremendous
amount of oil because President Bush is now saying Mexico has weapons
of mass destruction. Michael Jackson was given 24 hours to pay his
staff on his closed Neverland Ranch. Michael had a huge staff that
included 3 chefs, 4 housekeepers and 200 babysitters. George Clooney
is donating his Oscar gift basket to charity. The proceeds will go
to benefit the 40 million victims of Clooney’s acceptance speech.
Mike Wallace retired from 60 Minutes!
At 87 years old, Mike Wallace has retired from 60 Minutes! He feels
he finally made to the age of the people who watch 60 minutes. Did
you know Yanni was arrested last week for assaulting his girlfriend.
Apparently he forced her to listen to his music. The Neverland Ranch
was officially shut down. Now if Michael Jackson wants to impress
his dates, he’s going to have to back to just offering them candy.
The Treasury Secretary says the United States government is running
out of money. And to prepare for what that will be like the
government is consulting with Gary Coleman. A teenager in Texas was
shot in a fight over tater tots. Who know Dick Cheney liked tater
tots. Airlines are losing money and are now going to charge extra
for aisle seats. It’s all part of their new “Terrorists Choice”
program. Who else would pay extra for an aisle seat? Actually, some
airlines are doing so badly, that they plan to charge extra for safe
landings. Most airlines are saving money by no longer offering free
meals. Passengers are upset about this and of course so is the horse
meat industry. Actually by no longer offering free meals the airline
industry is saving a lot of money…on those throw up bags! They don’t
need them anymore. Reports are saying that while in prison, the
former Serbian President, Slobodan Milosevic had very easy access to
drugs and alcohol. If that’s true then you know what’s gonna happen
next, Courtney Love is going to start committing war crimes.
Milosevic’s son says his father was murdered! However, there is no
proof or evidence of this and most sources say that it is most likely
not true. So you know what that means, he must be getting his
information from U.S. intelligence. Mrs. Milosevic is mourning her
husband’s death but she’s also getting ready to date again. She’s
already asking her friends if they know any single men who have
killed over 300 thousand people.
Britain has decided to cut its troops!
Britain has decided to cut its troops in Iraq by ten percent. Now
they just have decide which 2 troops that will be. The bird flu is
coming and in a worst-case scenario half the country will be infected
with it. Best case scenario only Paris Hilton gets infected with
it. The Secretary of Health and Human Services says this bird flu is
the most dangerous thing to come to our country since Russell Crowe.
The US government has announced that its spy satellites are tracking
the infected birds. And nobody was happier to hear that than the
terrorists! George Clooney says the democrats who voted for the Iraq
War are cowards! Well it could be worse, they could be
unintelligible actors. Clooney says the democrats didn’t vote
against they war because they were afraid they would be called
unpatriotic. And all that would really mean is they could easily
find a job in Hollywood! John Kerry was heckled while giving a
speech at Harvard when a student jumped up and challenged Kerry to do
something about the war. Kerry says he can’t do anything about the
war because he still doesn’t know if he’s for or against it. A new
report says that $100 million dollars is the minimum needed to win a
Presidential election or you could do it for 5 bucks if your bother
is the governor of Florida. Dennis Quaid says he has the male
version of anorexia. This is almost as rare as the male version of
Elton John. President Bush’s staff says they are exhausted, and
battered. That sounds more like they are married to Bobby Brown. A
former judge from Saddam Hussein's regime acknowledged sentencing 148
Shiites to death but insisted they were given a fair trial. Just to
show how fair it was, he said they were only tortured for 2 hours a
day. The gangsta rapper, Young Jeezy was arrested in Florida after a
shootout. ApparentlyYoung Jeezy was campaigning to win a Vibe
award. And Macaulay Caulkin says he’s not a drug addict, he just
likes to smoke weed on occasion and it’s not his fault he has over 10
occasions a day.
Hello D’ehr
J Bo
The Oscars are Sunday!
Hello D’ehr
The Oscars are this Sunday and everybody is picking the gay cowboy
movie to win. In fact it should win hands down and on it’s knees.
Paula Abdul was saying crazy things and mumbling her words on last
night’s American Idol. It was obvious something was very wrong with
her because after the show was over, she forgot to sleep with a
contestant. President Bush went to India this week. He went because
he was having problems with his laptop and needed tech support.
Actually the real reason he went to India was because he wanted to
check up on all the new jobs he created. President Bush said the
outsourcing of jobs is painful and he knows many Americans haven’t
worked in over 2 years. And he can really sympathize with this,
because he hasn’t worked in over 6. The former director of FEMA,
Michael Brown said that he should have been honest with the public
from the very beginning of the Hurricane Katrina disaster. President
Bush said not being honest with the public was the only thing he did
right. Courtney Love and Oscar nominated director Bennett Miller
maybe be dating each other. Rumors that they two were in love
started when Miller was seen buying a shotgun. Jailed rapper, Lil’
Kim is worried that her breast implants are leaking and that she
needs immediate medical attention. She first suspected they were
leaking when she was talking to a prison guard and kept starring at
her face. Paris Hilton is being sued for slander by another heiress,
Zeta Graff. Graff says Paris was spreading vicious lies about her.
Paris really needs to watch what comes out of her mouth while the
rest of us prefer to watch what goes in.
Hello D’ehr
J Bo
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had her workout in a gym
Hello D’ehr
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had her workout in a gym taped
for a TV show. She spends 10 minutes on sit ups, ten minutes on push
ups and then the rest of the day on cover ups. Microsoft says it is
developing a better search engine than google. They’re working on it
with the help of the Bush Administration so this one will be able to
search your car, your home and your phone records. Actually,
Microsoft’s search engine will be so unbelievable they say it can
find Osama Bin Laden. Did you know Bill Clinton helped put together
the Dubai port security deal? You know what that means, there must
be a lot of hot Arab interns. And did you know that his wife Hilary
Clinton is speaking out against it? So you know what that means,
there must be a lot of hot Arab interns. President Bush has made a
nuclear agreement with India that he says will make the world safer.
He then immediately apologized to his supporters. Jon Stewart is
getting ready to host the Oscars or as past hosts like to call it,
getting ready to ruin his career. Academy members have given the
group Three 6 Mafia permission to use the word “bitch” during their
performance of their Best Song nominee “It’s Hard Out Here for a
Pimp.” All the other curse words will have to be left out, so their
entire performance should last about 3 seconds. Sarah Jessica Parker
says that there was no friction between her and Matthew McConaughey
on the set of their new movie Failure to Launch. And based on the
trailer it also looks like there will be no audience. Charlie Sheen
is donating items to Habitat for Humanity Celebrity Charity Auction.
Charlie will be donating his impressive collection of over 15000
hookers phone numbers. Lindsay Lohan’s breast popped out of her
dress at a recent red carpet event. Janet Jackson is now suing her
for identity theft!
Hello D’ehr
J Bo
Bill Clinton: In search of an intern
Hello D’ehr
The former President Bill Clinton is looking to hire an intern. Some
people found out about it when they saw his ad, others found out when
they saw his erection. Can you believe, Bill Clinton has taken out
an ad saying he’s looking to hire interns for his Presidential
Library? The requirements for the job are very specific, the ad
says, those who can’t fit under a desk need to apply. Actually, it’s
a very laid back job, the ad says to show up to the interview wearing
stripper causal. Hillary Clinton is even thinking about applying for
the job, she figures, finally an opportunity for her have sex with
Bill. The Mayor of San Francisco Gavin Newsom, is dating a
Scientologist and the people of San Francisco are outraged because
he’s not dating a man! Saddam Hussein’s trial is really heating up.
If he’s found guilty, he will be executed and if he’s found innocent
President Bush plans to give him a job in security. In a related
story, 45 militants were killed on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.
President Bush said that’s the last time he puts militants in charge
of border security! The gay cowboy movie is the favorite to win the
Oscar it’s also the favorite to have sex with Oscar. Britney Spears
showed up in New Orleans and took 4 teenage girls who lost everything
in the hurricane shopping. She tried to give the girls hope by
telling them they can have anything they ever dreamed of if they’re
just willing to work very hard at lip-syncing. And Bobby Brown
denies cheating rumors and says he never hit on the actress Tamala
Jones. In fact, he insists, he only hits on Whitney’s face.
Hello D’ehr,
J Bo
Bill Clinton: In search of an intern
Hello D’ehr
The former President Bill Clinton is looking to hire an intern. Some
people found out about it when they saw his ad, others found out when
they saw his erection. Can you believe, Bill Clinton has taken out
an ad saying he’s looking to hire interns for his Presidential
Library? The requirements for the job are very specific, the ad
says, those who can’t fit under a desk need to apply. Actually, it’s
a very laid back job, the ad says to show up to the interview wearing
stripper causal. Hillary Clinton is even thinking about applying for
the job, she figures, finally an opportunity for her have sex with
Bill. The Mayor of San Francisco Gavin Newsom, is dating a
Scientologist and the people of San Francisco are outraged because
he’s not dating a man! Saddam Hussein’s trial is really heating up.
If he’s found guilty, he will be executed and if he’s found innocent
President Bush plans to give him a job in security. In a related
story, 45 militants were killed on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.
President Bush said that’s the last time he puts militants in charge
of border security! The gay cowboy movie is the favorite to win the
Oscar it’s also the favorite to have sex with Oscar. Britney Spears
showed up in New Orleans and took 4 teenage girls who lost everything
in the hurricane shopping. She tried to give the girls hope by
telling them they can have anything they ever dreamed of if they’re
just willing to work very hard at lip-syncing. And Bobby Brown
denies cheating rumors and says he never hit on the actress Tamala
Jones. In fact, he insists, he only hits on Whitney’s face.
Hello D’ehr,
J Bo
